A letter to my teenage self.

Dear Teenage Shafira,

If only you knew the things I know now, you definitely would not have made the mistakes you have done back then.

If only you knew, that those who bully you back in high school, are now just a mere memory of your past when you reach my age.

If only you know, that not all boys mean it when they say they love you.  They end up leaving you when they move to another school.

If only you know, that some friends PRETEND they care for  you, when all they want is your dirty little secrets to be spread around.

If only you know, the days you went through to get through that humiliating night might just be the worst nights you have to go through. (With unhelpful teachers, of course).

If only you knew, that out of the hundreds of friends in high school, only a few (you can count with your fingers) who remained till today.  Just your luck, I guess.

If only you knew, that boys don’t just borrow your money as prove that you love them, that is just a lame excuse of getting easy money.\

If only you knew, the men you dated are jackasses and bastards until that one person finally came in your life when you are 22.

AND,  If only you knew, the hardships you faced are the ones that breaks you and then builds you up to an amazing woman that you are today.

Dear Teenage Shafira,

There are many things I wished would be different, but if it were to be different, we wouldn’t be here, where we are today, would we? It’s Allah’s secret and it is He who knows best! 

Been A Year

Dengan lafaz Bismillah ku memulakan entri kali ini..

Been a year. Alhamdullillah ....

It's been a year. we shared our lives. we shared our laughter. we shared our sadness. we shared our anger. we shared our family.

One year.... alhamdullillah...

counting down to more years till the end of time, insha allah...

I LOVE YOU.

Final sem, final year ...

Assalamualaikum  ..

Ya Allah ..

pejam celik pejam celik ... dah sem terakhir kat Terengganu ... Sem yang terakhir.. paling akhir kat Terengganu ... Cepatnya masa berlalu.. terasa cam baru je minggu lepas masuk kelas pertama dengan student BPG..

I learned a lot while being in Terengganu ... I do .. and I can't wait to finish off this degree and jump to my next adventure.... but also ... just thankful for the opportunity given ..

Allah lagi tahu... maybe rezeki Fira bukan kt Russia.. sebab tu Allah gerakkan hati untuk balik dan study kt Malaysia je.. hehee

That being said, I hope I can get through this and end my semester with a bang! Insha Allah..

My Creator deserves better...

Assalamualaikum ...

Blog dah lama sangat ditinggalkan.

My Creator deserves better. Don't you think?

Dia yang memberi nyawa pada kita. peluang untuk kita menikmati keindahan dunia ciptaan-Nya ... sudah tentu Pemilik hakiki kita deserve better dari kita. ... hamba-Nya yang serba serbi kekurangan.

Tapi kenapa kita masih leka? Lupa? Alpa? Bersungguh duniawi... abaikan akhirat. Aku ... bukannya insan alim... aku seperti kamu juga.. penuh dosa... sedangkan Allah menjaga segala aib aku dari orang lain.

Usia makin muda ... Makin tua .. sesaat masa berlalu, sesaat itu jugalah kita makin dekat dengan kematian. Tapi, tidak setitik pun ... langsung tiada setitik taubat terlintas dalam hati. Kenapa? Apakah hati sudah terlalu gelap hingga tiada cahaya yang mampu mencerahkan kembali jalan yang gelap? TAK. Abang salu kata.... Allah sentiasa ada... Allah sentiasa sayang.

Allah uji sebab Dia sayang. Sebab Dia tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kita. Sebab Dia sebagai Pencipta Agung, tahu akan kemampuan hamba-Nya yang kerdil ini.

Ckuplah ayah aku menanggung dosa buat kesekian kalinya... belajar menjaga aurat shafira syg. belajar menjadi seorang anak solehah... belajar menjadi seorang insan yang mendalami ilmu agama dgn lebih...

Tak lama lagi, nak dijadikan isteri, walaupun lama lagi sebenarnya. hehee. Harus bersedia.. harus praktik. bila dah jadi isteri.. jadi ibu.. takkan nak masih dalam ekadaan sesat sebegini sayang? Harus tabah... Haru skuat... dan harus sentiasa ingat.. Allah sentiasa ada untuk kita..

Dah mula menulis kt blog sebab banyak sangat terpendam dalam hati. banyak sgt.

Allah, ku pinta ketenangan ... ku pinta ketenangan dan moga dipermudahkan segala urusanku.. Aminnn ~~

"Maka nikmat Tuhan kamu manakah yang kamu dustakan?"

"Maka Nikmat Tuhan kamu manakah yang kamu dustakan?"

Assalamualaikum semua ..

Makin sakit nak lalui hari hari yang bakal tiba ni ...

Dengan apa yang brlaku, telah berlaku ... mungkin bakal berlaku ... terasa cam diri ni lemah sangat untuk tempuhi...

tpi, itulah kelebihan ujian dr Allah.

Saat aku rasa aku lemah, Allah bagi aku kekuatan dalam cara yang kecil tp sgt bsyukur.

Hari t, kelam kabut nak siapkan slide... bangun kul 6 gi sebab bfore that x buat ape ape lg... presentation pkul 2.30pm... content plak bnyk... mmg rse time tu nk nanges.. sekali dpt msj dr lecturer, class postponed to Monday... alhamdullillah... bsyukur... nampak x cara cara kecil yang Allah tolong hamba-Nya yang lemah ni?


tesis paper, ya allah ... jgn cakap laaah... mmg berat sgt diri ni nak buat... tp Allah tlg mcm mana? dengan bag aku supervisor yg tersgt understanding dan sabar. dia tolong guide aku dr awal sampai akhir..

Jauh sgt aku dengan Allah sedangkan Allah sentiasa dekat dgn aku... dan kenapa lagi aku tak bersyukur? kenapa lagi aku jarang mengambil masa mengucap syukur?

Shafira sayang, belum terlambat lagi syg. Masih jauh perjalanan ... kuatkan diri sebagai seorg hamba Allah, seorang anak,seorang adik, seorang pelajar, seorang sahabat, seorang kekasih dan seorang kepada pelbagai lagi tugas dan tanggungjawab... Kekal kuat, kerana kuat itu sahaja yang ada untuk terus melangkah.

Abg syg,
terima kasih sebab tersangat sabar dengan karenah syg... abg tlalu sabar dgn sikap syg yg syg sometimes kadang pun x thu kenapa. maafkan syg, abg. thank you so much . i love you.

2015, We welcome you.

Denagn Lafaz Bismillah, ku memulakan entri kali ini..


Assalamualaikum semuaaa ..

2015 ...

Alhamdullillaaahh ...
Masih dipinjamkan nyawa utk melihat keindahan alam.. utk merasai kenikmatan hidup. Alhamdullillaahh ... ,

Azam 2015?

• Complete final year final sem and finish degree
• at least have 3 As for the final semester (out of 5 modules)
• start masters program
• Get engaged (Insha allah)
• be a better person..
• a better daughter
• a better Muslimah
• a better sister
• a better lover
• fix myself to face the reality of marriage

Dia selalu pesan... banyak kita kena perbaiki diri kita. kita nak kahwin dh.. setahun dua mungkin nampak macam lama... tapi sebenarnya tidak. kita x punyai banyak masa lagi. kita harus mulakan perubahan kita dr sekarang, syg.. 

itu kata kata pesanan dia. 

Sounds cliche, but yes... i dont think i am able to survive without the extra support from him. my family and him.. and few close friends. They brought me back to life. They did. 

Thank you. 

Bismillaah ... 2015, let's get adventurous !

Decisions .. Decisions

Decisions..... Decisionss ...

Sometimes, I'm just confused. I don't know.. I don't where to go. What to do ... Just don't.

Making decisions sometimes only affect you, but it affects the people around you too...

Bismillah ..

May my decision lead to the right path.

Hey there,stranger ...

Hey there, stranger.

It’s been a very long time, which I’m sure you’re aware of. I’d like to say that it was your decision alone to keep this distance, but I think we both know it was for the best. I’d like to say that I’m glad you are well, but as we both know I have absolutely no idea how you are.

The one thing that can definitely be said is that when we cut ties, we leave no strand behind, but slice right through until we no longer remember how to find each other. It’s amazing to think that once we were inseparable, the best of friends.

You knew me inside and out, and I, you. We were there for each other in the best of times and through the most difficult of times. We definitely managed to put each other through hell on occasion, but when support was needed the most, support was given. Until, of course, that final day.

I sometimes find myself wondering why we couldn’t stay in touch. Would it be so bad if we got together for coffee from time to time? Or if we gave each other a ring to see how the other was doing?

Using the phone to make calls has become archaic, but surely we could send a text to wish each other a happy birthday? Or a happy New Year? I mean, we’ve been through so much. You are a part of my life and there is nothing I can do to ever change that.

You can’t be forgotten because forgetting you would be like forgetting myself — impossible. But then again, maybe you are right. Maybe we are better off as far apart as possible.

We know we aren’t right for each other. We know it would never work, and we know the friendship we have — we had — created a bond that would make slipping back into romance too easy.

It would make repeating the same mistakes too likely, repeating the same heartbreak certain. That’s what it really comes down to: It’s not my heart that I’m worried about, but yours. Breaking my own heart would be my responsibility to bear, but I can’t once again be responsible for breaking yours.

So all that I can do is wish you the best. Wish you a great, bright, loving future. Wish you to find the lover of your dreams and to create a lifetime of your fantasies.

I wish for you to find a friend as great as me, but a much better partner. One who won’t drag you through the mud. One who you won’t feel the need to bury with guilt.

I wish you all the best and although you will never read this, although we will never speak to each other again, and although you are out of my life forever, I wish you nothing short of happiness.

Never again to be yours, 

Your Lost Best Friend

Dengan Lafaz Bismillah ku memulakan entri kali ini ...

3rd Monday with the Lions! Alhamdulllillaahh ... Awesome journey so far!

Last Friday, my fellow Lions went to Genting Sempah for their 2nd year anniversary celebration but Dad didn't give me his green light. therefore I didn't go.

Was sad but it's okay. It really is okay. Hopefully of course. hahaha ..

That Friday was compensated with a short yet sweet outing with dearly beloved to Times Square. Watched Big Hero 6 and he tried not to laugh when I cried. hehehe ... though it was short, it was something and it meant everything to us.

I don't know what type of relationship we have but this .... whatever we have going on here ... works. Alhamdullillah ....


It is hard sometimes.... but hey... not everyday is a sunshining day! hahaha .... can't get a little happiness without a little rain!

Thanks dear you. for being the ever awesome significant other I could ever ask for!

Depression

DEPRESSION

DEFINITION OF DEPRESSION : feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

"self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression"

synonyms:

melancholy, misery, sadness, unhappiness, sorrow, woe, gloom,gloominess, dejection, downheartedness, despondency, dispiritedness,low spirits, heavy-heartedness, moroseness, discouragement, despair,desolation, dolefulness, moodiness, pessimism, hopelessness; the slough of respond;  upset, tearfulness;  informalthe dumps, the doldrums, the blues, one's black dog, a low;  informalthe blahs, a funk,a blue funk;  informalthe mopes;

If mentioned, no one would believe that I suffer from depression. But these are the things I don't normally share with the whole wide world.

I have had my fair share of crying.... hurting... and things you dont even know and dont even want to know about...

But I am trying to overcome these difficulties... How? By letting go of things that angers me the most... things that would make me sad ... and focus more on the things that I have achieved in life. Being grateful for what I have and not mourn of the things I don't. Learn to let go of things that just ... dont even matter to me anymore. Just... letting it go.

Support system surrounding me is very strong. Alhamdullillah. But no one actually knows that I suffer from depression. Some close friends and of course my Significant Other. They would always help me and encourage me to get better. Thank you so much for that!

But like he said, the cure and prevention and the way to stop all these has to come from me. If I believe that I can do this, then Allah will help me in my path to recovery.

I dont want to be married to him and still having this problem. I want to be wife material ready for my future husband. and he is awesomely supportive of me. Thank you so much for helping me in getting through this. Thank you so much...

Pray that I get rid of this because life has much to offer... I want to be able to experience it all!

Tolong, Pangkah X!

Aku menulis mengikut gerak hati. Mengikut apa sja yang midaku arahakan ke jariku. Andai post ini mnggnggu dan mnyinggung, tolong…. Pangkah 'X' sekarang juga. Aku tidak perlu trafik yang tidak perlu. Aku juga tidak perlukan komen yg mencaci maki.

C.I.N.T.A

Hidup tak pernah sempurna. Takkan pernnah sempurna.  Dari situ, kita mencari sesuatu yang kita rasa mampu bantu utk melengkapkan kita. Untuk aku, aku rasa… cinta. Aku rasa. Perasaan utk menyayangi dan disayangi seseorang itu. Itu yg mungkin boleh buat aku lengkap. Tapi, cuba lah aku berkata begitu pada sesiapa… aku akan di cop gatal! Di cop playgirl! Di cop tak memikirkan perasaan org lain! Yeap.. semua tu pernah aku dgr. Aku sendiri pernah mengkhianati dan dikhianati.. pernah rasa ada di dua bahagian.

Pernah punya teman yg hanya nak aku sebab tgk dr FB. Dia jugaklah yg putus dengan aku sebab kata aku seperti dlm FB. Muka ku x sama katanya. Haha .. pernah jugak aku bercinta dengan seseorang… yg khianati aku di bawah hidung aku. BAWAH HIDUNG AKU. Dan yang sakit, sebab aku kenal org nya. Aku anggap org itu kakak. Rupanya dia musuh dalam selimut. Haha .. pernah juga aku bertemu seseorang yg inginkan aku seperti ex nya. Sebab? Nama kami sama. Hahaha … pernah juga aku bertemu seseorang yg kerap meminjam dan berhutang, sekali gus menarik aku sekali. Utk seorang yg berumur 22 tahun… aku punya banyak pengalaman.

Kenapa semua ini aku coretkan?

Ntah. Aku pun tak tahu. Aku tak tahu kenapa hati ini mudah jatuh. Kenapa juga hati ini mudah benar sayang sepenuhnya.. dan kenapa juga hati ini mudah pecah.

Utk kesekian kalinya, aku bertemu seseorang yg aku yakin dan percaya… dengan izin Allah bahawa dial ah yg terbaik untuk aku. Kenapa aku yakin sgt? Aku xkan pernah yakin selagi lafaz akad belum diucap. Tp kadang2, kita tahu. In sha allah. Xpernah lg aku bertemu seseorang yang benar benar bersungguh sungguh utk mnjadikan aku yang halal utk dia. Untuk berkongsi hidup dgn aku dalam redha-Nya. Xpernah. Jujur aku x pernah. Dan kerana aku juga mengenali keluarga nya terdahulu sebelum aku mngenali dirinya, ckup buat aku rasa selamat. Ckup buat aku percaya dengan perhubungan ini. Terima kasih syg… kerana kau telah mmbantu aku mencari sinar. Kerana engkau telah membantu aku keluar dr segala masalah dan runsing.

Bagi yang membaca, doakan kami berdua. Doakan perhubungan kami dredhai dan drahmati. Doakan moga langkah seterusnya dpermudahkan dan doakan moga impian kami membina masjid terlaksana. 

Aamin …

Aku bukan pakar. Aku juga bukan pakar kaunselling. Aku Cuma manusia biasa. Penuh cacat cela. Aku coret atas penilikan ku dalam hidup. Itu saja. 

Significant Other

This is the person... who would push me to finish my assignments...

Stayed up all night just so I don't feel alone when completing my tasks...

Gave me his ears when I practiced for presentations all night long...

Accepted me for who I was and who I am...

Gave me strength ( apart from my family members) to carry on...

Have faith in me when everyone doubted me ( apart from my family members) ...

"But, baby, now

Take me into your loving arms

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

Place your head on my beating heart

Thinking out loud

That maybe we found love right where we are"

(Thinking Out Loud- Ed Sheeran)